Insecurity has robbed me of so many things over the years. It has kept me from taking risks. It has made me focus so much on myself that I have lost sight of others and their needs around me. It has made me hunger and thirst for others constant affirmation. It has made me look at facebook to see how many people have commented on my photos. It has made me wonder if I have a get together at my house, would anyone come. It has caused me to be too sensitive to others needed criticism. It has led me to consistent emotional waywardness. And worst of all it has convinced me too many times that I am defined by my insecurities.
But this morning, I'm ready to be free of it. As I was in the craziness of my head, I felt the gentle whisper of God telling me "Erin, I define you. I have made you perfectly imperfect. Your weaknesses glorify me. Your gifts exhibit me. I have given you strength and dignity that nobody can take away unless you give it to them. Rest in me." Precious words to my spirit this morning.
I think the timing of all of this is so impeccable. You see, I put in my resignation at work effective December 31st this week. After a lot of thought and prayer, Craig and I felt like it was the right decision. I have worked as the Community Program Coordinator for Big Brothers Big Sisters since February. While I have loved working with the volunteers and families in the community, I have felt burnt out and stressed for quite a while. Over the past few months, my desire has been to spend more time with Ethan, tap into my crafty side, and start meeting with women at church more. All things that I feel like God is pushing me towards, yet the night after I resigned, I was gripped with fear and insecurity. Shocker. I don't know why it surprised me. I started having all these thoughts about others thinking I am a failure for quitting, what if we struggle financially, etc etc.
The reality of me quitting is that we are trusting God with our finances in a way we never have before. While it is exciting, it is also scary. In an effort to try an make some supplemental income, I have been working on some vintage art and someone has graciously told me I could sell it in their store in downtown Conway, but I have been so intimidated to take it up there or let others see for fear of rejection. Why? My insecurity. So, I'm at a crossroads. I can either keep living in this chaos or let go.
I want to be the wife and mother and friend that God created me to be, not the person that others want me to be. So in an effort to have some accountability, I 'm letting go of my insecurity this morning. My hope and prayer is that those of you out there that struggle with insecurity would not let it rob you of any more precious moments. Let's take a stand for our God given dignity and strength and press into the very grace and love of Jesus.
