Writing from the Heart

I'm not even sure I have any readers out there, considering I haven't posted since April, but I was inspired to write this morning. I was drinking my morning cup of coffee and thinking and praying. I was thinking about insecurity. Insecurity is something I have struggled with most of my life, but I am so sick of it being my companion. I've been insecure for too long, and this morning I feel the tug to let go.

Insecurity has robbed me of so many things over the years. It has kept me from taking risks. It has made me focus so much on myself that I have lost sight of others and their needs around me. It has made me hunger and thirst for others constant affirmation. It has made me look at facebook to see how many people have commented on my photos. It has made me wonder if I have a get together at my house, would anyone come. It has caused me to be too sensitive to others needed criticism. It has led me to consistent emotional waywardness. And worst of all it has convinced me too many times that I am defined by my insecurities.

But this morning, I'm ready to be free of it. As I was in the craziness of my head, I felt the gentle whisper of God telling me "Erin, I define you. I have made you perfectly imperfect. Your weaknesses glorify me. Your gifts exhibit me. I have given you strength and dignity that nobody can take away unless you give it to them. Rest in me." Precious words to my spirit this morning.

I think the timing of all of this is so impeccable. You see, I put in my resignation at work effective December 31st this week. After a lot of thought and prayer, Craig and I felt like it was the right decision. I have worked as the Community Program Coordinator for Big Brothers Big Sisters since February. While I have loved working with the volunteers and families in the community, I have felt burnt out and stressed for quite a while. Over the past few months, my desire has been to spend more time with Ethan, tap into my crafty side, and start meeting with women at church more. All things that I feel like God is pushing me towards, yet the night after I resigned, I was gripped with fear and insecurity. Shocker. I don't know why it surprised me. I started having all these thoughts about others thinking I am a failure for quitting, what if we struggle financially, etc etc.

The reality of me quitting is that we are trusting God with our finances in a way we never have before. While it is exciting, it is also scary. In an effort to try an make some supplemental income, I have been working on some vintage art and someone has graciously told me I could sell it in their store in downtown Conway, but I have been so intimidated to take it up there or let others see for fear of rejection. Why? My insecurity. So, I'm at a crossroads. I can either keep living in this chaos or let go.

I want to be the wife and mother and friend that God created me to be, not the person that others want me to be. So in an effort to have some accountability, I 'm letting go of my insecurity this morning. My hope and prayer is that those of you out there that struggle with insecurity would not let it rob you of any more precious moments. Let's take a stand for our God given dignity and strength and press into the very grace and love of Jesus.

More Pics

We celebrated Ethan's 4 month bday and Easter by going to Wye Mountain last Saturday and taking pics in the daffodils! It was beautiful and so much fun. Enjoy the pics!

Where do I begin......

I cannot tell you the number of times that I have thought about sitting down and writing this blog. What once was a week after his birth, quickly turned into a month, and a month turned into 4! You know how it is after you keep pushing something aside time after time-it becomes more and more daunting, and eventually seems impossible! I even thought about deleting the blog because it felt too overwhelming to sit down and write a blog post! haha isnt that sad?! Alas though, I finally sat down today to document the past four months of our Conner family life!

Well, as of Saturday, Ethan turned 4 months old! Man time flies by! Ethan was born December 3rd, 2009. He weighed 7 lbs and 10 oz, and I had a fairly quick and easy labor. He is such a precious little boy and his presence in our lives has blessed us more than I ever could imagine! His smile makes my heart melt, and I have just adored watching him explore the world. He coos all the time now and smiles at every opportunity. He now weighs 15 lbs, 6 oz. He is a strong and happy little boy, and I truly can't even remember life without him.

I will say though that the adjustment has been beautiful and messy all the same time! I have learned so much about life, God, and myself the past 4 months. At first, being a mommy was hard for me. Not because I didn't love Ethan but because I didn't really know how to do life with him here. Everything changed when he arrived! The first month he was here, I felt like Craig and I operated around him rather than as a family with him. Being on a 3 hour schedule was hard for me when I was used to operating on a schedule for just Craig and myself. Life was all of a sudden very different, beautiful, crazy, fun, yet different.

The truth is I was in a routine before Ethan. Deeply entrenched in my set ways, unknowingly how set in all honesty. Then little Ethan walked into my life and God has just been teaching me so many wonderful things. Here are some of the things I've learned....

1. Focus on the Eternal- I've learned to stop running from task to task, and enjoy the moment where I'm at by focusing on what matters...Ethan and people in my life. Not having a clean house all the time can be killer, but I realize it is just for a season.

2. I can't have my cake and eat it too -Wow...so hard to accept. I used to have my house clean, laundry done, phone calls made, and blog written. Now, Im lucky if I make dinner at night and take a quick shower/bath before bed!

3. I'm not, nor ever will be a perfect mom, and that is ok!

On a less serious note.....

1. Live near grandparents

2. Change diaper as quickly as possible. Ethan likes to go pee pee on mommy and daddy! :)

3. Never leave home without a pacy, change of clothes, and bulb syringe for boogies!

I am enjoying being a mommy! It is an adventure and life is very different but so good. I wouldn't change a second of it! I truly feel blessed!

Much Love, Erin

Unmet Expectations

 Thanksgiving came and went and still no little Ethan. Craig and I had a lot of fun spending time with family and friends and eating way too much, but I would definitely be lying if I didn't admit that I was really saddened and disappointed when Ethan didn't come over the Thanksgiving holiday while most of our family and friends were in town. I never realized how many expectations I had about Ethan's birth until Friday, then Saturday, and the Sunday rolled around with no delivery. In my mind, I just knew and planned that he would come when all our friends and family were in town and that it would be convenient and easy for everyone involved.....haha  silly me. Unmet expectations hurt.

I couldn't stop crying Friday night as I realized he might not come when I expected, but I did anything and everything to distract myself from doing the one thing I knew I needed to do the most - spend time with God. Of course hiding from God never really works for very long, at least when you know time with Him is all you really need. So Saturday morning I found myself sitting in Ethan's nursery begging the Lord for encouragement and revelation as to why he hadn't come yet. 

  Oh how faithful God is to speak to his children.  As I sat in the chair that I will soon hold precious Ethan in, the Holy Spirit led me to Deut 4:31 which says, "For the Lord  your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath." After chewing on this verse, I was reminded of all the sweet victories and promises God has given me through this pregnancy adventure.  I was reminded of his tender mercy and goodness. I hadn't realized it but a lot of my struggle was wrestling with believing in God's goodness because I just felt like it was cruel not to allow his birth to happen while everyone was here. As I was processing through this, I heard the Lord say, "Erin, you can't fully comprehend my goodness from your perspective....trust me." At that moment I realized, I had spent so much time focusing on my plan for Ethan's birth that I lost sight of God's immense love and care for EVERYONE involved, not just me. It was a good moment, and my spirit felt truly encouraged to trust in God's perfect timing. 

On Sunday, the Lord blessed both Craig and I with more encouragement and understanding. At church, during one of the worship songs I really felt God giving me a renewing peace about the timing of Ethan's birth. After church, I was telling Craig about it and he asked if it was during the song "You''ll Come?" I just looked at him amazed because that was the exact song that spoke to me. He said that during the same part of the song he felt the Lord encourage him in the exact way I experienced about the timing of Ethan's birth. What a sweet blessing! We are both convinced that even in these last few days leading up to his birth that God still has huge things He wants to teach us in this season and we want to open to receiving them. Here is the link for the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RmZFaruXhs&feature=related. You should listen to it! It is awesome.

I guess unmet expectations aren't such a terrible thing, as long as we bring our frustration and lack of understanding to the throne of God to receive grace and mercy when we need it. God is good and I am so thankful to be walking into the labor process with these experiences of His truth and goodness.

  I love you all! Thanks for your prayers. I know they have been used in mighty ways to usher Craig and I into the arms of our sweet Father. Ethan is coming, and we are so excited for him to be here.

Waiting...

So I am only a week and a day away from Ethan's due date! We are soo excited! For a long time we were in the nervous phase, but now we are just so ready to meet our little boy. The nursery is done, the car seat is in place, and our bags for the hospital are pretty much packed. As of my doctor's appointment last Friday, I still wasn't dilated or thinned out at all. It seems our little man wants to stay inside his cozy environment as long as possible. The doctor said, the longer he is in there the better. I feel strongly about not being induced, and my doctor is supportive since she said a due date is just a rough estimation, so we truly are just waiting! I am going to try and help the process by walking a lot and drinking raspberry tea( those are supposed to help me go into labor)! 

 After a lot of praying and reading,  I came to the conclusion that I wanted to have a natural childbirth, so Craig and I have been preparing and practicing a lot for labor.  We are using the Bradley method which emphasizes relaxation, breathing, and teamwork between the husband and wife during the labor process. Craig has been such a good sport about practicing because it truly isn't the most fun thing in the world! :) I know a lot of people are probably reading this and thinking I am crazy for wanting to do it naturally, but I really believe the Lord led me to this decision and I have had confirmation of that in several ways. I won't go into all of them but, one way is that our childbirthing nurse/teacher had both of her babies naturally and offered to be there during my labor even if she wasn't working! HUGE BLESSING! We had coffee yesterday morning and talked for a few hours about how to continue preparing mentally and physically and so forth! She said she would come even if it was Thanksgiving! WOW, I am just so thankful that God provided her help and support! 

  In the mean time as we wait and prepare, we have been meeting a lot of great people! Craig is on a volleyball team through our church, and we have been super blessed by his teammates kindness and pursuit of us since we are newbies! He is really enjoying playing VB and I have enjoyed cheering on the sidelines. It is kind of sad but my competitive side can rear its ugly head every once in a while at his games and I have to tell myself to calm down! 

  We are also getting prego pictures taken today. Megan and Garrett offered to use their spiffy camera, so we are super excited to spend time with them and take some fun pics! 

  Well, thats it for now! Thanks for all of your encouragement and support during this season! We are about to welcome little Ethan Asher into the world and we just feel beyond blessed! I ask that you please keep us in your prayers. I will keep you posted as to my progress! Much love!

Life in Conway

Our First Home!

Megs, Mac, and I at the intramural fields cheering on

 our husbands! 

All the hostesses at the baby shower for Ethan!

Craig and I headed to a UCA bears game.

                                           Celebrating Annie's engagement at YaYa's!               

     Well it is our first official fall in Conway, and I must say we are enjoying it! There are definitely the hard emotions that come with transition and starting life again in a new place, but we are slowly finding our spot here.  We have managed to stay pretty busy with getting the house together, childbirth classes, puppy obedience training, intramurals (craig that is), hanging out with old friends and family, and meeting some new ones! Oh yes, and we officially adopted a new kitty! He was a stray that befriended Brinkley, so of course as animal loving yuppies, we adopted him. So now Brinkley has a friend...Oliver! I know  you are all thinking how crazy can they be, a puppy, a kitty and a baby! Yep thats us... the crazy Conners we like to go against the grain I guess! 

      Can you believe I'm 36 weeks tomorrow?! The little guy will be here soon! I've been having some Braxton Hicks contractions, which are no fun let me tell you, and he has "dropped" so that means he is preparing himself to come! As of last week he was 5lbs, 2 oz, so the the doctor said he will probably be between 6 lbs and 7lbs when he arrives! It is really weird going to bed each night thinking..."He could be here tomorrow!" We hope he waits a few more weeks to come though because the nursery still isn't ready! Talk about a work in progress! We just got the crib and chair in, so it should be coming together soon! I will put some pics up when his room comes together! We have come to accept though that if his room isn't ready when he arrives that it wont be the end of the world, since babies typically sleep in your room for a few months! Im learning to be flexible and realizing that I can't always have my ducks in a row, as much as I would love to all the time!

        Well, I posted a few pics of our life in Conway! Hope you enjoy! Much Love!

       

Home and So HAPPY!!

Hey All,

I've never been more excited to be at home and feeling well! Yesterday when they discharged me from UAMS, I nearly ran out....seriously! My dad thought it might be better to be escorted down in a wheelchair though since it is hospital protocol! :) 

After 11 days in the hospital, I've gained a new found appreciation for the many comforts home offers! Craig and I laughed last night as we snuggled into bed at 9 pm because we were so excited to be in our own bed. Yes, for 11 days my stud of a husband has slept on a pullout chair hospital bed.....I thought I had it bad, he had it worse! 

    All that to say, I am home now and doing well, and so is little Ethan! For those of you wondering why I was in the hospital, I will summarize our family's journey the past week and half as best I can. 

About two and half weeks ago, Craig and I got a virus that had been going around Conway. We both thought we had let it run its course but for whatever reason, I wasn't getting any better. Since I couldn't keep anything down, I went to the hospital to get rehydrated on fluids hoping that would give me the needed push to get better. Sadly, it didn't, so on Friday the 25th of September they admitted me into the Labor and Delivery floor(they do this for anyone over like 25 weeks when you are pregnant) at Conway Hospital. After a week, I was still unable to keep any food down and started having persistent pain in my esophagus. After a lot of tests, my GI doctor and OB GYN knew that I was having bad GERD(acid reflux) due to pregnancy but they couldn't figure out how to control it despite the help of several medications, so they decided to transfer me to UAMS in Little Rock where there are more high-risk doctors. 

After a trip in the ambulance to UAMS, Craig and I found ourselves truly living on a prayer, hoping that the doctors could find some remedy to my illness. I continued to baffle the doctors at UAMS as well, but a feeding tube malfunction and four IVS later, I found myself determined to get better. This past Saturday, I remember praying and just begging the Lord for strength and wisdom to get better because I was so weak and weary.  That morning, I told the doctors that instead of pursuing the feeding tub, I would like to try and eat again. So extremely determined and strong-willed, I drank an Ensure and kept it down and drank Ensure the rest of the day! WOO HOO! The next day, I started eating soft foods and just slowly started incorporating more solid food as I could. A few days later, once my potassium count got high enough, I was home bound!

The Lord is so faithful. I really believe He gave me the wisdom and insight into my body that I needed to help get me better. I am so thankful to be out of the hospital and doing better. I'm sure you are all wondering about Ethan and he is one healthy little boy. The ultrasound we had before leaving the hospital showed that he is 4lbs and 7oz and doing well! All I can truly say is THANK YOU! Thank you for all of your support and prayers. They truly encouraged my faith and blessed our family more than you will ever know! 

   We love you all very much! I will try to post some pics of our home soon and give you guys some more updates! Much love!